Giving Myself Permission to Ditch the Mom Guilt
I don’t know if you noticed, but I was kind of MIA last week. In fact, I’ve been MIA everywhere, with the exception of maybe Pinterest (have you seen any of my recent pins? Are you even hanging out over there?).
Work has gotten CRAY in the past couple of weeks. I don’t know that I’ve talked about this here, but I am a Freelance Video Editor. I’ve been editing videos for years (have you seen my YouTube Channel?), but started offering professional services to individuals and business in the Fall 2018. I started with one client and that client very quickly referred me to other leads, which has resulted in 4 consistent clients.
Needless to say, I’m trying to figure out the balance here.
I’m currently working while my son naps or after he goes to sleep, but I don’t know that it’s going to be enough with all of the other things I want to get done. Grayson, my 15 month old, currently attends a Kids Day Out program two days a week, for three hours each day. This is great, but I need more time.
It’s such a struggle when you want to be able to be home with your child but also want to build a thriving business. I’m realizing I need more time. I need more time for work during the day so that I can be present with Grayson when he is awake and home, AND so I can be present with Kevin. Because right now, I’m working once we put Grayson down which means that there ends up being very little, if any, time for Kevin and I to connect.
I’m fortunate that there are a lot of affordable options available for me (check out my post on affordable + child care here). Several of the local churches offer very affordable child care. I’m also a member of the local MOMs Club and one of the mothers runs a daycare. We also have Kevin’s mother that could probably help out if I asked. The problem isn’t necessarily the options. The problem is mom guilt.
The Mom Guilt is Real
Mom guilt is a thing. Just like pregnancy brain (I also thought that wouldn’t be a real thing), mom guilt is very real. I feel kind of guilty for wanting to find child care so that I can have more time to work, for me and ultimately for the family. I have to imagine that this is a very real struggle for a lot of moms out there. I know I’m not the only one, but that doesn’t always make it any easier or feel any better.
I enjoy doing work that’s meaningful to me. I enjoy writing for my blog. I enjoy being with my son. However, I’m finding that I’m constantly focused on what I need to do for work, the blog or around the house when I’m with him, and that I’m not truly being present and enjoying him (all tying back in to being intentional this year).
I recently had to turn down another client because they needed someone that was going to be available 30+ hours a week for the next three months. I just don’t have that bandwidth currently with my other 4 clients. Even if I could, I don’t know that I’d want to put Grayson in full time child care. Ideally I would like something four days a week for 3-4 hours each day. Or, maybe three 5 hour days.
I want to be able to have dedicated time for work instead of sneaking it in while he is napping. I want to be able to get my work done and still be able to dedicate time to this passion project. I know that the answer is finding childcare with more options, and I’m working on it, but I almost feel like I’m having to give myself permission to do this.
Giving Myself Permission to Lean In
Again, all of this ties back into being more intentional with my time and life. I have specific goals for all aspects of my life, but with each of them comes their own subconscious blocks. Subconscious blocks that I have to work through. But you know what? I don’t even have time to work on them because all of the time I do have it going to work right now!
Starting and growing a business means that I have to give myself permission to be selfish and nurture that part of me, all while still recognizing that wanting that doesn’t make me any less of a mom.
I think sometimes I think that me wanting to lean into a nurture other sides of me somehow means that I don’t enjoy being a mom, which couldn’t be further from the truth. However, that doesn’t mean that ‘mom’ is all I am or all I want to be. That is okay, and that is what I’m learning.
Are you a mom struggling with mom guilt like me? Are you wanting to lean in a nurture other aspects of who you are, outside of ‘mom’? It’s okay. It’s important that we do! At the end of the day, I have to learn to show up and take care of myself. If you’re a mama, like me, learning to leave the mom guilt behind and lean into who you are meant to be then share this post. Let other mamas know that the mom guilt is real, but we don't have to dwell in it.
Are you struggling with some serious mom guilt right now? Do you think mom guilt is even a thing? Let me know in the comments below!